


Trapped by Fear

by kaorusquee



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reincarnation, house bound, i'll add more as they come up, real life scenarios
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-04-12 16:21:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4486473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaorusquee/pseuds/kaorusquee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Modern day reincarnation au.</p><p>Levi was fine until the nightmares began. Now he remembers everything of his past life, and is trapped in his own home by the fear of being around others. When a bright-eyed male enters his life and turns it even more upside down, will he be able to cope?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So the first thing I give is a warning. This story /could/ trigger you. I'm not saying it will, just that mind issues are a sticky subject. 
> 
> This story came about because of my current situation. Your author was diagnosed with PTSD a few years ago, and has recently had a major episode. I've had to quit my job, and currently can't go farther than the backyard of my house. It's only been about a week of this, but it is scary, and the panic attacks are real. So, since I can't do much, I thought why not write? I've wanted to do a shut-in Levi story for a while, and real-life experience seemed to fit the picture. If no one reads this? *shrugs* I don't expect people to. I just needed an outlet.

_Chapter 1_

“Haa... haa...” 

The mission had gone unexpectedly. The Titan they'd been seeking to lure out wasn't supposed to be as intelligent as she was. To be able to escape the trap they'd set for her by calling other Titans. And on top of that, he'd been sent to refill his canisters. If he hadn't... If he hadn't, would it have mattered? Altering his destination when he heard Eren's Titan scream. Each of his squad, defeated. Their faces, dark with death, swam in his mind. Gunther, Oluo, Erd, Petra. He failed them all... 

Gasping, Levi fell out of bed. He barely made it to the bathroom before he was violently sick. He heaved and heaved, until his stomach was empty, and still he heaved. His whole body shook, and his face was wet. He panted, wiping at his eyes. Crawling to the sink since his legs wouldn't support him, he levered himself up with his arms and brushed his teeth, ridding his mouth of the taste of vomit. But his breath was still gasping, and the tremors were bad enough that he lay on his back on the bathroom floor. His eyes were closed as he simply focused on breathing. 

Briefly he thought about swallowing a pill, then laughed hollowly. Rescue pill, the doctor had called them. He was to use them when he felt an attack coming on. A pill wouldn't do him a damn bit of good now. 

Once his breathing had regulated, he sat up slowly. His legs still didn't want to work, so he simply sat against the wall for a while, face drawn. 

It seemed a lifetime ago since the dreams had started. But really, it was only a few years. A few years since the panic attacks had started, since he'd gone to his doctor and received that damning diagnosis. Who the hell got PTSD from dreams? Only, he knew now these weren't just any dreams. These had been real, were memories of his past life. And what he saw was enough to give anyone nightmares. 

The doctor had talked to him like the diagnosis was a life sentence. Frustrated, he went to another doctor, then another. They all said the same. PTSD could be helped, not cured. With medicine, the panic attacks were controllable. If he remained calm during his life, they could be almost non-existent, to the point where the medication wasn't necessary. Only the rescue pills, for when he felt an attack coming on. 

He'd managed a few years with infrequent attacks. Then something happened in July. Aerial fireworks had been legalized the previous year, and this year it seemed _everyone_ had them. All his neighbors, all around him. It was so much noise, so many loud booms, that it had thrown him into an actual episode. 

That had been six months ago, and he hadn't been able to leave his house since. Every time he tried, panic gripped him, holding his lungs captive. He'd had to quit his job, and he couldn't even go see friends anymore. He was a prisoner by the four walls of his house. He could go in the backyard, since he had a high fenced-in yard. And sometimes, on his good days, he could sit on the front porch. But nothing beyond that. 

Levi heaved a huge sigh, pulling himself to his feet. They were shaky, but they would support him now. Carefully, he walked back to his bed. There wouldn't be anymore sleep tonight. Not after that nightmare. He pulled his laptop onto his lap and opened a blank writing document. He typed 'Humanity's Last Stand' across the top, paused for a moment to take a drink of water from the glass by his bedside, then started writing. 

When the weak winter sun finally crept in through his window, he closed the laptop and set it aside. He had several chapters written now, a good start to the story. With his stomach trying to cannibalize his spine, he decided breakfast was a good idea. And tea. He could always use tea. The chamomile was calming, and needed after a night like that. 

As he ate his breakfast, Levi thought about his life. He'd started writing after the dreams came, as a way to bleed it all out. But they _way_ he'd written it had captivated Hange, his longtime friend. One of the few friends that still kept in touch with him after he'd closed himself off. It was an amazing story, she'd told him, one worthy of being published. He'd tweaked it a bit, changed names, added more body. His first installment, Humanity's Strongest, had been a top-seller. It gave him a way to get income, despite not being able to leave the house. And his second one, Humanity's Hope, had been just as popular. 

Levi snorted. People found his past life so fascinating, such a good read. They didn't know that it was all real, that it kept him up at night, that it had scarred him so much. They didn't know what it'd done to him, when he realized his closest friends of this life had lived with him back them, and didn't remember. They didn't know how watching them die over and over affected him, scared him, _terrified_ him. 

A chime from his laptop interrupted his musings. Someone was trying to Skype him. He glanced at the clock that ticked quietly at him. It was one of the few sounds he could tolerate, and enjoy. Only Hange would be trying to contact him this early in the morning. He rubbed his eyes, took another sip of tea, and then shuffled into the bedroom. 

As soon as he opened his laptop, Hange's smiling face beamed at him. “Levi! Wow, you look like shit.” 

The male grimaced, lowering the volume on his computer. Loud noises just made his anxiety worse, and Hange was always loud. “I couldn't sleep again.” He admitted. Although he'd never tell her, these calls meant a lot to him. She understood that he couldn't go out, and still made the effort to interact with him. The same couldn't be said for others...

“Are you even listening to me?”

With a start, he realized she'd been talking for several minutes. “Sorry.” 

Hange huffed. “I was _trying_ to tell you that a new doctor moved into town! And he specializes in dealing with the mind!” 

Levi exhaled sharply. “Hange, I don't need a shrink. I've already been to more doctors than I care to remember for this. Nothing works. And you know I can't go anywhere.” 

“But that's just it! He makes house calls. You wouldn't have to leave at all to see him. He could come to you.” 

He swallowed, feeling the familiar stirrings of panic. Closing his eyes, he took several shaky breaths.  


“Levi? Levi, are you okay?!” Her voice grew quieter, held concern. “Breathe slowly okay? Nice deep breaths. There's nothing else around. It's just me, talking to you over Skype.” 

After several minutes of following Hange's order, he was calmer. “Thank you.” 

The female nodded. “I worry about you.” 

He managed a half-smile. “It was the thought of someone new being in my house. But it's okay now. I'll humor you. Go ahead and make an appointment for me.” 

She beamed again. “He'll be able to help you, I'm sure of it.” 

They talked for a few more minutes before Levi ended the call. He sat back against the headboard. Could he really do this, he wondered? He didn't let others into his home. Even those who delivered his groceries were on strict orders just to leave them on the front porch, without ringing the doorbell or knocking. He knew the time and day they arrived; he didn't need to be alerted of it. His home was his sanctuary, his only safe place. Would he really be able to tolerate the doctor invading?  
…..........................................  
“Sorry it took me so long to get back to you.” 

Levi raised an eyebrow at the laptop screen. “This is long?” 

Hange wisely chose to ignore the question. “Since he's a specialist, I had to contact your primary doctor to refer you. You have an appointment a week from Thursday.” 

Blinking, he pulled up the calendar on his laptop. Today was Monday. It was so easy to lose track of days when you didn't go anywhere. That was good though. He had plenty of time to deal with this, or even to cancel the appointment if need be. 

“Do you want me to be there?” She asked when he didn't say anything. 

It was a tempting thought. He knew her. She was considered 'safe' to his mind. Even if she was loud. Then he sighed. “Thank you, but no. I should meet him alone my first time.” If he had a panic attack during it, at least the doctor would know what he was dealing with.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introducing Eren, among other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's another panic attack and mentions of vomit in this chapter. So if you are squeamish, please don't read.

Chapter 2

Monday night a storm had set in, dumping feet of snow. It hadn't let up for so many days, Levi had begun to get worried that his food order for the week wouldn't get through. But the storm finally blew itself out early Friday morning, and the sun shining now was surprisingly warm for a January. Levi looked out his front window, taking in the thick blanket of snow across his front yard. If he didn't make a path through it, he knew they wouldn't deliver. It was so taxing to have to call someone to go _get_ his order when they didn't deliver. 

He took several deep breaths. He hadn't had another panic attack since Tuesday. This could be a good day for him. And shoveling snow wasn't exactly a scary activity. He could do this. He looked around out the window, but didn't see anyone around. Good. Although everyone around knew him as a loner and not to talk to him, he still did better if they weren't in sight. Moving away from the window, he went to find his jacket. 

Now bundled up, and sweltering inside the house, he opened the front door. The air was chilly still, but the sun was warm enough. Swiping some snow to the side, he found the pathway up to his door. Then he began shoveling, throwing the snow out across the lawn, slowly making a trail. His muscles protested at first, but this was good for him. He needed to do something other than simply sit around all day. 

So engrossed in what he was doing, he didn't pay attention to his surroundings. It was better that way; he might actually be able to finish what he started. But because of that, he didn't know there was someone watching him until they spoke. 

“Hello.” 

Levi froze. Someone was talking to him. A voice he didn't recognize... and yet did. Lifting his head, he met wide teal eyes. Eyes he saw frequently in his dreams... and nightmares. It was suddenly so very hard to breathe. His grip slackened, and the shovel thumped to the ground. Face devoid of all color, he turned and fled into the house as fast as his shaky legs could take him. But he didn't make it in time to the bathroom. He collapsed on the floor just inside the door, spewing up everything that was in his stomach.  
….............................................................  
Had it really been a month already? Eren Yeager shook his head, a smile playing across his face. He liked this town they had moved to. It was small, but the people were so friendly. It definitely was not difficult to make friends here. He already had a few, Armin being the best of them. Sometimes it felt like he'd known the blond male his whole life, instead of just a few short weeks. That was just how easy it was to talk to the other male. 

At first, he hadn't wanted to move. He'd liked where he was, liked the college he was going to, even if it was just a community college. But his father had been offered a higher pay to come work in this town, and his parents had asked him to come with them. Since he liked living with them, he'd agreed, reluctantly. 

But now, he was glad he had. It had been a surprise to get into the college here, surprising that this tiny town had such an accredited facility. But it was just perfect for him. He was following in his father's footsteps, going to school to become a doctor. And this college had everything he could ask for. 

He hadn't yet taken the time to get to know everyone in the town though. Small it might be, but there were still a fair amount of people. And it was winter, a time when most of the families liked to stay indoors. Maybe come spring he'd learn more about the people who lived here. After all, he was going to be working with his father in a few years, and shadowing him now when he could. It was best to learn about there habits as soon as possible, so he knew what to expect when someone got sick. 

Eren pulled his coat tighter, listening to Armin talk away about some new sight or other his grandfather had discovered. Armin's grandfather was an adventurer, often taking off to explore whatever new place interested him. He always sent pictures back to the blond, as a way to keep him involved. Armin loved his grandfather, and loved that he kept in touch. 

Sudden silence surprised him, and he glanced at the male. The blond's eyes were wide with surprise. Following his line of sight, Eren saw a shorter male shoveling snow. “Who's that?” He couldn't remember seeing anyone outside this house before, and this was the path they always took to get home. 

“Levi.” Armin said quietly. “I haven't seen him outside his house in a long time.” He paused. “He doesn't like people very much. We should go.” 

Eren continued to watch the male shovel. The snow came up to his waist, so it was a little comical to watch him. At times, he even seemed to struggle. “We should help him.” He decided. 

“Are you nuts?!” When all he saw on Eren's face was determination, he sighed. “It's your funeral. You are my friend, but even I won't join you where Levi is concerned. I'll drop by your house and tell them you're going to be late.” 

The brunet smiled. “Thanks Armin.” He waited until the male started walking away before approaching Levi's house. 

It was a nice house, he decided, with a short picket fence that went three quarters around the front lawn. He could tell the male was trying to clear a path to his front door. This made Eren tilt his head in surprise. If Levi didn't like people, then why was he shoveling a path to his door? This seemed like a contradiction to him. 

The man was still unaware of him, seemingly lost in his task. Not wanting to spook him, he voiced a quiet hello. 

Unfortunately, it seemed to have exactly the effect he didn't want. Levi looked up at him, and the moment those steel grey eyes met his, his breath caught. As the older man dropped the shovel and fled into his house, Eren considered that look. He hadn't seen any of the disgust or loathing he'd expected, based on what Armin had said. No, what he'd seen was undiluted fear. It made the male's heart clench. What was there to be so afraid of? 

Standing there for several long minutes, he glanced down at the abandoned shovel. Obviously Levi was cleaning the walk for a reason, but thanks to Eren it was only half-finished. Crunching through the snow, he picked up the shovel, continuing the task for the terrified male. He wasn't sure why he did it, just that he felt like he needed to.   
…........................................................  
Levi lost track of time after that. He didn't know how long he lay on the floor in his own vomit, but once he became more aware of it and felt like he could move, he proceeded to clean up the mess. Then he cleaned himself, scrubbing in the shower until he was sure every trace of vomit was gone. Finally, he brushed his teeth, made himself some tea, and grabbed his laptop. 

Hange gave him a look of surprise when he called her. “Levi, this is rare. You hardly ever _make_ a call.” 

“Never mind that.” His voice was still shaky. “Th the doctor. The one I have the appointment with. What is his name?” 

“His name? Um.... It's Dr. Grisha Yeager.” 

Of course it was. “Cancel it.” 

“What? Levi, I don't think-” 

“Cancel it!” He slammed the laptop closed and threw it away from him. A hollow, bitter laugh welled up inside him. 

It had been difficult enough, seeing people around him that he'd known in his past life, people he watched die every night in his nightmares. It hurt, to not have them recognize him. But in a way it was also a relief. They didn't need to experience the fear he was experiencing. They could live normal lives. 

But to see Eren. There had been no recognition in those eyes, but it was still him. He looked exactly the same as he had all those years ago. He had loved that male so much in his past life. Even though this body had never touched him, Levi could look through his dreams and see what exactly they'd done, could know how it felt. And it hurt so much. It hurt... because he was the reason Eren had died.   
…......................................................  
Long after the sun went down, Levi sat against the wall, staring at nothing. He needed to go out and finish the walkway, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He couldn't make himself move from this spot. He almost felt like he was paralyzed, except he knew he could move if he tried. He hadn't even eaten anything since this morning, but nausea still sat heavy within him. Eren. Why had it been Eren? He'd been so unprepared for that. Karma was really playing heavily In his life. 

After another few hours, Levi was finally able to drag himself up from where he was sitting. He made another mug of tea, and grabbed a packet of crackers from the pantry. Sitting at the table, he munched on those for a while. When he was done, he was a little calmer. Only then did he manage to change clothes and climb wearily into bed. He was so exhausted. What he was hoping for, what he never got, was a night of dreamless sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren and Levi talk... sort of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since I've written on this story. I kinda fell out of the fandom for a bit. Back in it now, even if I'm still worried how the manga will end.   
> Having a bad day today actually, which is why I decided to write. Too much noise today had my anxiety ramped up, and it's all I can do to keep my breathing under control.   
> I have to say I appreciate the people who actually read this story. It's an outlet for me to write it, and by no means is anyone required to read it. But it does mean a lot to me that people are reading it, and have even left a couple of comments.

_Chapter 3_

Morning found Levi staggering outside to finish the walkway. Having given in, the male was heavily drugged, so it took him several minutes of staring to realize his walkway was clear of snow. He was confused, certain he’d only gotten to half of it before circumstances forced him inside. Yet it was clean. His shovel was missing. And his groceries were where they always were at this day and time. Almost sluggishly, he brought them inside and put them away. Making himself another cup of tea, he settled on the porch and leaned against a post. His eyes were unfocused, looking at nothing. He simply sat there, existing. 

How long he sat there, he couldn’t say for sure. Long enough for what remained of his tea to get cold. Long enough for the sun to rise higher into the sky, weak as it was. Long enough for someone to come up to the edge of his lawn. 

So drugged he was that it took a bit longer for him to comprehend someone was there, watching him. He tilted his head as much as he could with deadened reflexes. Teal eyes. It was Eren. Of course it was. The writer didn’t say anything, just sat there, looking at the face that had so often haunted him. Part of him realized that if not for the drugs, he’d likely be having another panic attack right now.

Eren fidgeted, before finally taking a few steps up the walk. When Levi didn’t react, he moved a little closer. Levi’s eyes finally focused on the thing in Eren’s hand. Ah; that was what had happened to his shovel. The brunet seemed to realize that Levi spooked easily, because he leaned the shovel against a tree, crouching down so he was less of a threat. It was almost like he perceived Levi as some kind of wild animal. “I’m Eren Yeager.” His voice was soft, also non-threatening. 

Levi blinked slowly. “Levi.” He finally managed. His eyes focused a bit as he looked across the lawn. “You shoveled the snow.” 

There was a bit of a sheepish look. “Ah, yeah, I figured I should. Since I interrupted you.” He fidgeted again, but a different kind of look entered his eyes. Something more professional. “Are you alright? I haven’t lived here long, but my dad’s a doctor. If something is wrong, I’m sure we could help you.” 

“No.” Levi murmured, haltingly getting to his feet. “I’ve tried. Nothing helps. Thank you for bringing back my shovel.” Turning, he walked back into the house, leaving a very confused Eren behind him.  
………………………….

The black-haired male stared at the shovel leaning against a tree. How had that gotten there? For that matter, when did he bring his groceries inside? Had he really taken so many drugs that it had impaired his memory? He grimaced. While the thought of impairing memories had appeal, he didn’t think it was a good idea to make himself so drugged that he couldn’t remember what he’d done that day. He rubbed at his eyes, opening the writing program on his laptop. He immersed himself into writing more of his story. Although the dreams made him sick, writing it down seemed to almost be an outlet for him. This was the reason he wrote. Not because he wanted the money. Although that was nice too. 

After only a few paragraphs, his thoughts turned to Eren. He growled at the sudden spike of panic in his chest, forcing himself to take deep calming breaths. Which only marginally helped. 

It was one thing to find others here that he’d known in his past life, still surprising considering this was a small town and there were so many people in the world. But to have Eren’s family move here? A higher power obviously thought it was amusing to toy with Levi. That was the only possible explanation. And Levi didn’t like it, not one bit. 

He could avoid Eren, never leave his house. He never went beyond the fences anyway; he could just keep to the backyard where Eren couldn’t come. But something in Levi didn’t like that. Now that he knew the male was alive, and here, it was almost as if he had a _yearning_ to see him. Even if just the mere though made him ill and his heart rate start to rise. He was already exhausted by this turn of events. 

At least Saturday passed uneventfully, which was a plus for Levi. No additional panic attacks, no calls from Hange, no loud noises. He’d retrieved the shovel, with his heart pounding, but no one was around to spook him. Instead, Levi sat on his couch for the rest of the day, listening to barely audible classical music. All in all, he felt like the day had been a success, even if he couldn’t remember the beginning of it.   
…………………………...

He should have known, with the weekend passing so quietly, that the week would be hell for him. The irony gods really were having fun with his life.

Levi had barely opened his eyes when he heard a soft knock on his front door. He froze, muscles tensing. His body coiled, ready to flee. The knock came again, and Levi’s breathing sped up. It was difficult to get air. After a third knock, spots erupted in Levi’s vision. As everything came to a head, the black-haired male passed out, falling against his bed.   
……………

Eren frowned, concerned when there was no answer. He was certain Levi was home, since Armin had basically told him the male didn’t like people and was a shut-in. Plus, there was the information he’d learned from his dad. He hadn’t even been fishing for information, just mentioned that he felt bad for spooking someone simply by saying hi. He hadn’t known a simple thing could cause such fear in someone. 

When his father asked him if the person had been Levi, Eren had turned so fast to look at him. His father sighed, saying that someone had called for Levi to make an appointment, but that they had also called back to cancel. While Grisha wasn’t one to discuss his patients because of doctor-patient privilege, he did mention that Levi had PTSD, and had basically been told to suck it up and live with it by other doctors. Grisha really just wanted to help him; things like this were why he was a doctor. But if the male wasn’t ready to accept help…

The brunet male leaned against Levi’s door. He should really be getting to school, but he couldn’t help feeling he’d added to Levi’s fears. He just wanted to apologize. He even had a plate of cookies that he’d baked himself. They didn’t look great, but he’d tried one and they tasted alright to him. Perhaps if he left them on the porch Levi would find them? He could hope so anyway. Setting the plate down, he headed off to school. 

The plate was still there when he came back. Armin had walked with him as far as Levi’s, but once again didn’t want to stick around, so it was just Eren. He sighed unhappily when he saw the untouched cookies. He didn’t know why he wanted to talk to Levi so much. Perhaps he just wanted to find the mind behind all the fear. The one that could write such amazing things. Sitting against the front door, he pulled out a book.   
The front was decorated with the silhouette of a person, with stylized bi-colored wings as a background. The author was Levi Ackerman. He’d found the book completely by accident, but had run to Armin to find out if the author was the same Levi Ackerman that lived in this town. When Armin had confirmed it, Eren eagerly began reading the book, wanting to know more about the shut-in author. 

Anyone who could write something like this was so talented, he decided. It was a waste for Levi to remain shut off from the world. Eren didn’t know wheat the male was feeling, but he had read multiple PTSD cases. He really just wanted to help. 

There was a thump on the other side of the door, jolting him from reading. It had been such a tense moment, the main character caught by a giant creature about to eat him. So he was mildly disoriented for a moment because of how into the story he’d been. 

Another sound, like someone leaning back against the door from the other side. “Hello?” 

If Eren strained, he could hear ragged breathing. His heart clenched; he didn’t want to hurt Levi. “Look, I know what you’re going through. I...” 

“Do you?” The voice was worn, exhausted. “Do you know the fear of not being able to breathe? Of being afraid of everything? Do you know what it’s like to wake up in your own vomit? To want to go out, but be so terrified to do so?” 

“I… no. I don’t know that. I’ve read cases, but you’re right, I’ve never experienced that firsthand.” Eren ran his finger over the edge of the book. “Look, I… I just wanted to apologize for scaring you the other day. I didn’t know.” He paused again. “I brought cookies.” 

Levi let out a quiet huff. If he hadn’t been so paralyzed by fear, he would have found Eren more amusing. He hadn’t really changed, still wanting to befriend his Captain. Even if he didn’t remember that life. What he didn’t realize was how painful this was for Levi. Not just because of the fear, but because of the knowledge that Eren’s death had been on his hands. While Titans no longer existed, what if he did manage to open up to him, and something happened? He didn’t think he could survive Eren dying a second time. 

“Levi?” 

His breath shuddered as he inhaled. Cold sweat dripped down his forehead. “The gesture… is appreciated. But fear of everything is not so easily quelled. My home is my safe place. I can’t let you in, or anyone. It… wouldn’t be safe anymore.” 

Eren was quiet for several minutes. “I understand.” He said finally. “Would you be okay with this? Talking through the door?” 

“I… don’t… know... Why do you even want to talk to me? Didn’t your bowl-cut friend tell you I don’t like people?” 

“You mean Armin?” So Levi _had_ been aware of them. Perhaps only subconsciously, but it made Eren happy anyway. Although why he was happy he had no idea. “He did, but if you really hated people, would you be talking to me now?” 

Score one for the kid, Levi thought ruefully. He ran a hand through his sweat-soaked hair. Even though he was shaking, and trying to stave off any more panic, he couldn’t deny that it was nice to talk to Eren. Hearing his voice, alive and healthy, that meant something to him. “I guess… we can try. But I’m at my limit for today. You need to go.” 

“Thank you Levi!” 

He heard the male gather his things and go, and had to shake his head. There was nothing to thank him for. Levi was a pathetic, scared excuse of a human being. Where was the thanks in that?


End file.
